Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Remember the times when you were little? You wished you were in control but you knew you couldn't. Patiently you waited for every year to go by with every additional candle on the birthday cake.

You just wished you could grow up instantly and embrace adulthood.

I'm turning 24 this year and I can't help but feel a sense of sadness. I wish I could turn back time. I really do. I never studied hard enough only to regret. I want to study but I can't afford the time. Even if I had the time, I cannot afford to.

Daryl said it is sad how we have grown up to be and I concur. The best days of my life were my upper secondary years and a year or two after I graduated. I had fun and I had lots of friends of both gender. Daryl also mentioned that we are just reminicsing the days that date back at least 7 to 9 years back. New memories? Few, or should I say almost inexistent?

Our group has braved many storms and in the end became a single gender group. At least for me, the number of girls that I know or hang out with, has been reduced drastically. And what could be worst? I don't look good and that plays a major part. And now, I work in a male dominant environment of the service industry. No public holidays and no weekends. I work when people are resting, vice versa. The bottom line is, I grow up to be a loser.

I guess the Jianming, that people now know isn't the same anymore. The previous one died 6 years ago. The current one struggled and hanged on to the remnants for 5 long years. Why did he not move on? He tried. Every time when somebody new came along, he tried. He was never rejected as he never asked. It made no difference, he would bond, get really close and in the end be left hanging. Like I said, looks play a major part. He had hoped for a love that would never be rekindled. Wasting every single day away, stuck in the shadow of his own mistakes. It took him a great deal of time and pain before finally closing that chapter of his life.

What's left of him? A pitiful existence in a rotting shell. It's time to sleep this depression away. Sorry for such a boring entry.